7 things to do when your child's anxiety spikes

Most parents are wired to make the discomfort stop as quickly as possible. When your child is anxious, that instinct — to fix it, smooth it over, remove the thing causing the fear — feels like the compassionate choice.

But with anxiety, accommodation often makes things worse. When we remove the obstacle or offer constant reassurance, we send an unintentional message: that the thing was as scary as they thought, and that they needed us to handle it. Over time, that reinforces the cycle.

The good news is that there are things you can do in the moment, and over time, that actually help your child build the skills to face anxiety on their own. Here are seven of them.

1. Help them face what they're avoiding

The most effective thing a parent can do is help their child approach the thing they're scared of rather than retreat from it. As long as the situation is objectively safe, facing it — even imperfectly, even with a lot of support — is what changes the anxious cycle.

This doesn't mean pushing your child into the deep end. It means taking small, brave steps toward the thing, with you alongside them.

2. Use positive reinforcement, not pressure

Motivation matters. If your child is refusing to go to practice or avoiding a situation that's causing anxiety, try setting up a reward for showing up. This isn't bribery, it's a way of tipping the scales so that the effort feels worthwhile.

What counts as a reward varies by child. It might be choosing dinner, extra screen time, or points toward something they're saving for. The goal is to strengthen their resolve to try.

3. Pull back on reassurance seeking

When a child asks the same worried question over and over, the natural response is to keep answering it. But constant reassurance can actually deepen anxiety by teaching your child that the only way to feel better is to get an answer from you.

One approach that works: try giving the anxiety a name, something your child chooses, like Willard. Then set a gentle limit on how many of those anxious questions you'll answer in a given hour. 

Praise your child warmly every time they resist asking. "Every time you don't let Willard win, you earn something you love." It sounds simple, but it works. And kids often feel more in control when the anxiety has a face and a name that isn't their own.

4. Validate the feeling without agreeing with the fear

When your child is anxious, two things can be true at the same time: what they're feeling is real, and they're going to be okay. Your job isn't to talk them out of the fear. It's to help them hold both of those things at once.

There's a difference between validating a feeling and giving in to it. Giving in sounds like: "Okay, you don't have to go." Validating sounds like: "I can see this feels really hard for you. And I know you can do it even if you’re scared."

You're not telling them the fear is wrong. You're telling them you see it, and that you believe they can handle it anyway. That combination is more powerful than reassurance alone.

5. Reframe the questions you ask

The questions parents ask can accidentally add fuel to an anxious spiral. "Are you nervous you won't do well tonight?" plants the worry even as it tries to address it.

Try asking instead: "How are you feeling about the game?" or "What are you most looking forward to?" Small shifts in language open more space and put less pressure on the answer.

6. Flip the what-ifs

When your child gets stuck in worst-case thinking, help them slow down and explore the full range of what could happen, not just the feared outcome.

"What's the worst that could happen? What's the best? What's most likely?" Walking through all three helps your child's brain see that the feared outcome isn't the only possibility, and that even if things don't go perfectly, they have the ability to get through it.

7. Model what coping looks like

Kids learn how to handle anxiety in large part by watching you. When you're nervous about something, say so, and show them what you do with that feeling.

Take the hard phone call even when you're dreading it. Say out loud: "I'm feeling anxious about this, so I'm going to take a few deep breaths and then just do it." Let them see that doing something scared is an option, and that you come out the other side.

You don't have to be anxiety-free to model healthy coping. You just have to show them the process.

When it's time to get more support

These strategies work well for everyday anxiety. But when anxiety is frequent, intense, or getting in the way of daily life, school, friendships, sleep, activities, it's worth talking to a professional.

A trained clinician can help your child build coping skills, work through the patterns driving the anxiety, and give you as a parent more tools to support them at home. Getting support early almost always leads to better outcomes than waiting.